I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Randomize
