He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
