Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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