Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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