Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I wish you could order shots online.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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