it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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