So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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