Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
