No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
