so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
