im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
