Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
