I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize