Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
