I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
