Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
