Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
