At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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