I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Randomize
