I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
He uses pillows to masturbate.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
