he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
