god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
420 ftw
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
