My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
