who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
