Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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