The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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