I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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