i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
