we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
