I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
