# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
