Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
