Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
