k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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