I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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