you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
