i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
