Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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