The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Randomize
