I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
