You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
