yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
pop tarts are not kleenex
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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