My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
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