In the future we'll all be gay
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
