you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
