just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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