I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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