i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
