Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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