God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
