not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize